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Why You Should Date a Black Hat SEO Expert

OKCupid. Oh, and EHarmony. Life would be ever so much easier if existed so there would be a clearing house of bad boys for those of us who can’t resist walking on the wild side when it comes to meeting, greeting and — well, other social activities. Short of having available a site of this ilk, you’ll have to use your own devices for hunting down the endangered Black Hat SEOs (BHS) in their natural habitat, learn the lingo and bag your prey, but be cautious. Members of this unique species don’t fit a single stereotype. They’re tall, short, sweet, crabby, devious and sincere. Once you find the specimen of your dreams, here are just a few of the reasons you’ll want to date him.

Reasons Why You Should Date a Black Hat SEO Expert

Date them for their prowess

Black Hat SEO experts are fascinating and have been known to charm the opposite sex simply by whispering a few words about search engine optimization, aggressive strategies and tactics into the ear of the person they’re trying to seduce. They’re always delighted to explain the finer points of their passion for disrupting everything in cyberspace and freaking out PR departments charged with responsibility for explaining how they let him in. Frankly, a BHS isn’t always the person you take home to mom and dad – unless they don’t care what the dude does for a living as long as “he makes you happy.”

Date them for their stuffing

No, silly. Not bread and celery pushed adroitly into turkey cavities — we’re talking search word stuffing, a skill that doesn’t come easily to just anyone. Lure your choice of BHS into your web by nodding appreciatively each time he uses the same six words in permutations not recognized by Webster or any of the other dictionary authors on the planet. If you drop a few “I’d love to see your doorway pages and invisible text,” you’ll win him over effortlessly. Agree to indulge in some sexy page swapping and he’ll be eating out of your hand, even without a side of stuffing.

Date them for their stuffing.
Image credit: 123rf

Date them for their spamming expertise

You want to look up to the person you adore and what better way to flatter and flirt than by telling your black hat SEO sex object that he has a way with spam? He’s bound to share secrets — secrets you are eager to hear, either because you long to flatter him some more or because you have blackmail in mind. No matter. Sit back and allow him to sweet talk you about using excessive redirects and you’re going to find yourself mesmerized and delighted you decided to date him.

Date them for their entrepreneurial spirit

You’ve gotta hand it to a guy so imaginative, he creates content farms that serve absolutely no purpose, and if your heart’s desire is snagging a real estate mogul who had to make zero capital investments in his content farms, this is your guy. Celebrate his spirit and spread the word that you’ve landed a guy who’s got so many faux content farms he can’t keep up with all of them. Smile politely while deflecting questions from the clueless about cattle, chicken feed and barn construction. Say that these top secret locations can’t be divulged.

Date them for their entrepreneurial spirit.
Image credit: 123rf

Date them for their listening skills

Let’s say that life has handed you a load of horse manure and you’re seeking a guy whose listening skills are top notch. You couldn’t pick a better match than a Black Hat SEO expert. Their livelihood depends upon paying attention to client requests and listening to colleagues. They’re not shy about admitting that they go to the dark side to perform their specialty voodoo. You won’t have to keep saying, “Honey, did you hear what I said?” because BHS experts have a superior ability to multitask, nodding their heads vigorously in such a way that you just know they’re internalizing every word that crosses your lips.

Date them for their passion for learning

It’s not easy being green, said Kermit the frog, and it’s sure not easy wearing a black hat, which is why the brain residing beneath that chapeau requires constant feeding. You’ll share him with communities of workshop dwellers and cyberspace tutorials so he can reverse engineer work white hat SEO experts are smugly undertaking. Be understanding and compassionate. If your BHS doesn’t learn all there is to know about the latest trends in SEO, how can he support you in the manner to which you want to become accustomed? Appreciate his hunger for learning. Applaud him each time he develops devious little tricks of the trade that drive the white hats crazy.

Date them for their problem-solving skills

Black hat SEO experts solve problems fast and are happy to help you solve yours. Let’s say you hate your boss, need reassurance that your hips aren’t the size of Brazil or you can’t figure out whether renting a two bedroom apartment makes sense just so you can accommodate three or more cats. Turn to your BHS and expect sage advice, like “For the love of spam, find homes for the cats” — a helpful solution to your problem if you’ve actually been leaning toward a one-bedroom apartment to save cash anyway. You might not be able to get an answer to the Brazil question you pose, however. Even spammers know when to let problems solve themselves.

Date them for their problem-solving skills.
Image credit: 123rf

Date them for their creativity

Think it’s easy to think outside the box when the world is out to get you? Okay. So paranoia may be the offshoot of the creative mind under the black hat, but it will be your job as their significant other to soothe and calm them when they’re paranoid – when they swear that Google, Yahoo! and Bing are out to get them. It’s okay to flatter your BHS when he makes creative moves. Encourage his creativity and you might learn tricks of the trade that apply to your [legitimate] line of work. Expect your Black hat to think big — bigger than pedestrian white hats who lack a devious streak. Grow old together and discover that he remains as curious over time as he was the day you met him — a trait that’s almost as sexy as the ability to frustrate the IT department of a Fortune 500 company.

Will You Date a Black Hat SEO Expert?

We have listed the benefits of dating a black hat SEO expert so now it’s your choice. Will what they are doing affect your judgement to consider them for a date? We’ll love to hear your thoughts.

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